


Tabris

by primaryglitch



Series: Of Angels, of Lilin [1]
Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: M/M, i wanted to embody kaworu more angelic traits, so the language is a little werid and offputting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-18
Updated: 2019-05-18
Packaged: 2020-03-07 03:06:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18864451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/primaryglitch/pseuds/primaryglitch
Summary: Kaworu contemplates his relationship with Shinji in his final moments





	Tabris

Shinji wasn’t perfect, but he did not need to be. 

That as much was clear to Tabris as he watched him, waiting for him to make the decision to end his life and in doing so saving his own. In doing so he had given himself much time to think, foolish to assume such a choice would come easy to a lilin, especially one as indecisive as Shinji; Time to think and more unfortunately remember.

Tabris was perhaps the most cursed of the angels, for he was fated to remember. Saddled with memories muddled over lifetimes, bringing forth emotions unfit for a being such as him. Tabris lacked the desire to return to the angelic womb or to mate with the feminine divinity, both dangerous in their own right, but most dangerous of all was the desire to change and evolve rather than as stagnant pillar in time fulfilling the role of the seed of life. If it a curse or a blessing was not clear. Even more unfortunate and disastrous was that he had the desire to craft his future, yet he was cast into a rigid role. His elements worked against each other, grinding and twisting his very soul. He was misformed and malshapened turning out more beautiful than he was destined to be. Attractive to lilin as he was to them, but one stood out.

Shinji fell to him, beautiful in his plight like petals torn from the branch. The boy was imperfect, shallow and afraid, fast to lash out and even sooner would isolate himself, driven by fear. Yet Shinji had accepted his hand, had reached out to him as well. Was it out of desperation? Hope? He could sense the deep tiredness within Shinji, the same he felt knowing of the lives he had and had yet to live.

Oh how he wished to bring his boy happiness. How he wished to be beside him. Even with the denial of his role as Adam, Tabris was fated with his power. Ever youthful, the endless cycles of death and rebirth, ever so removed for the eternal struggles of the mortal. Yet how he longed to partake in their fruit, to feel their joy. Oh how those are fated to desire what they cannot have.

Tabris was fated to be a fulcrum between the two seeds. His will could not change this, yet he was gifted with the power to influence the scales. To assist lilin or his kin, of which seed would inherit the earth, but not without consequences.

He couldn't help but wonder if things would be different if he could have come to Shinji sooner. If could be the fulcrum on a mortal scale, sealed away from the infinite such as he in their finite existent. It wasn't a question of if this was allowed, his natures fought against each other- his will urging him to be with Lilin but the powerful urge of the ancient Adam would not allow such. But he had his free will, he would cling to that distant hope- he wouldn't have been given the crane's wings if not to seize the improbable. Adam thought of such things as a waste if an ancient such as Adam could even think in such terms. But Seele was not all knowing in their power, he was of Adam but never Adam. He was Tabris. Adam was immortal and continuous in his perfection, but Tabris was imperfect. The crane was tied to Lilith, pulled by gravity towards her all creations, her damned children, born to a planet already seeded. 

Such brought upon the circumstances of their meeting. He was damned as much as lilin the moment set eyes on Shinji. Shinji- the broken lilin he knew instantly, from deep within his core; he knew Shinji better that Tabris understood himself. Through veiled memories emotions came bursting forth, and while he would never completely understand how he was so intertwined with a particular lillin when his species looked down from the high spire. But by death, they could be equals. He would exist, not as Tabris but as Kaworu, in Shinji’s memories as Shinji existed in his. There would be no angelic divide between them, not the absolute terror field blocking their bond. For once, he could simply be. He would free as the crane was meant to be.

Such that as Shinji brought himself to tighten his grip, Kaworu, not Tabris, found he had no regrets.

**Author's Note:**

> the crane typically represents longevity, in this case immorality, and happiness; both traits I believe are deeply tries to tabris


End file.
